All or Nothing
by kerosene-angel
Summary: My take on the spoilers for tonight's E4 episode. My first Hollyoaks fanfic though so, sorry if its rubbish!


All or Nothing

He's given you an ultimatum. He might not have said so, but you're not stupid. You know exactly what he means. You have to give him everything, or he's out of the door. Your heart is pounding within your chest. It's a wonder that he can't see it really. You're staring at him, something he always hated. His eyes are staring back at you, bright and unwavering. You can remember a time when they contained a flicker of fear, but that time has passed now. He's stronger now, perhaps he always has been. He stood up to you before, but you could always beat him down. You wince internally. Surely, with all your knowledge, you could have picked a better word than that? You let out a puff of air, to take the attention away from the fact that you have been completely floored by his demand.

_"Give me a reason to stay."_

It would be so easy, to take him in your arms, to hold him, to kiss him, to pull him into the office and claim him. But something holds you back. And this time it isn't a phantom fear in the back of your mind, a constant threat looming over everything you do. It's much more of a physical thing now. And it has a name.

Douglas.

You glance around the empty club, moving your eyes away from the vision before you. You know that you're back at square one, where you found yourself two years ago. Christ, has it really been two years?! So much has changed in that time, you have finally accepted what you have known about yourself for a long time. He's opened a business, gotten married... You swallow and realise that you've been quiet for too long, he's starting to fidget in that way he has when he knows he's stepped over an invisible boundary. And suddenly your hand is reaching to his face, hope is entering his eyes , while a plan forms in your mind. You cup his face gently and begin to close the gap between you. Your eyes flutter shut as your lips touch, and you're home.

When you were with Eileen, you thought that home was in Dublin with her and the boys. But when that fell apart, home became where Cheryl was. Hollyoaks, with all it's characters and stories became your new home. Two years ago, you would have laughed at that idea, but it had been true. Except now you realise that it was nothing more than an address, a roof and four walls. Because home for you is wherever you are that means you can kiss these lips. But you know that you can't, that it has to stop. But you hold on for a minute, eager to keep a memory of this moment for when you remember that he hates you. Eventually, you pull away and look back into his face. His eyes are still closed, but there's a smile on his face. You school your features into the mask he knows so well before you speak.

_"Steven, look at me."_

He does then, his eyes reflecting the hope that you know he feels, and you feel your heart shatter into a million tiny pieces at the knowledge of what you are about to do. You could have it all. Or you could have nothing. He smiles at you, and your hand reaches out again, but this time not to caress. Your fist makes contact with his face before you're fully aware of what is happening, and he's no sprawled on the floor at your feet, shock evident on his perfect face. He opens his mouth to speak, but stops. He picks himself up off of the ground and you force yourself to look him straight in the face. His nose is bleeding you notice. But you stop yourself from reaching out to wipe it away, he probably wouldn't let you anyway. He shakes his head at you, then turns and practically runs out of the club. You stare after him and as soon as you hear the door slam shut behind him, your mask slips and falls away completely. You slump down onto the bar stool behind you. You put your head in your hands and try to block the image of his face from your minds eye.

Instead, your brain chooses to focus on sounds. Voices come floating back to you as though through a bad radio reception.

_"You're a monster."_ Oh god, how will you explain this to Cheryl?

_"You wouldn't say boo to a goose!"_ Really Nana Flo? Then what do you call this?

_"He called you a "murdering queer"!"_ Oh how right they were, Deccie.

_"What are ye a pansy now? A queer? I'll beat that out of ye, kid!"_ You can't hurt me now, Da. I'm doing a good job of that myself.

Then one voice, clearer than all the rest, makes itself heard in your head.

_"Give me a reason to stay."_

The tears start then. You don't care that somebody could walk into the club now, because the one person you need to walk in, is never coming back. You could of had it all. Or you could have had nothing.

You chose nothing.


End file.
